Grandiose Thinking, Grandiose Eating, Grandiose Shame….That Was Me

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Now, I know I’ve talked about the Meanie Voice in our heads many times. It’s violent, destructive, and has no issue with rattling of criticism non-stop of other people, life, the world, and YOU.

In the Eating Peace Process recently, and in three separate solo sessions with people in the past couple of weeks, I heard different versions of that voice dishing out it’s ongoing complaints about food, eating, the body.

I used to have these kinds of thoughts constantly.

  • you’re a loser
  • you’ll never get over this eating this
  • you’re so selfish, you can’t stop being greedy for one day
  • you always go unconscious when it comes to food
  • you never stay present and wise
  • you’re so unenlightened, you’re not even spiritual at all
  • what a mess
  • you should give up

Yikes.

Sometimes, that voice is so discouraging and mean, it says you don’t deserve to live. I thought it. I remember.

So this is an extremely powerful place to bring The Work into your mind.

Not once. Not twice. Daily. Regularly.

Long ago, a stranger gave me a note after I shared in a 12 step meeting. It said my negative thinking about myself was a form of Negative Grandiosity.

It made me practically gasp when I read the note. Grandiose? Me?

But. I try so hard. I’m a failure. I’m doing it wrong. I’m the worse person in the world.

Ah ha!

That’s a pretty grandiose thing to say. If you look up grandiose, it means impressively large, massive, over-the-top, containing more detail than necessary, huge, pompous.

It’s true, when it comes to that negative spew of self-hatred the inner violent voice can deliver. It’s so serious. The humor is non-existent. There’s a huge checklist of details for the crimes you’ve committed with food, or even thinking about food.

This is a good place for inquiry. Let’s do The Work.

Is it true that when it comes to food and eating you’re a loser, selfish, unenlightened, mess, hopeless?

Uh, yeah. Did you see the way I ate (remembering me at age 25 in the middle of a full-fledged raving binge)?

Can you absolutely know this is 100% the truth, this list? Really?

Deep breath. No.

Even if you say “yes”, you can keep going to the next question in The Work.

But I personally can’t really can’t find even as I consider my former gobbling self that I was pure loser and this was the Truth.

I lived through it. The mean voice didn’t “win” or dominate forever. I had gaps of peace. I slept at night. I achieved some other things, despite eating. I read books. I sought help. I studied. I had some friends. I wrote short stories and poetry. I had jobs.

Who would you be without your story of self-hatred?

Who would you be without the belief YOU are ALL THOSE terrible things? Loser, eater, binger, addict, messed up, screwed up, failure, unconscious, unloveable.

What if you couldn’t prove it? What if you didn’t think it? What if you just got here from another planet and had no reference for what a human is supposed to be doing with food? What if what you are isn’t all that? What if the way it’s been going with eating is for some simple, or important, reason….and it doesn’t mean you’re basically made out of garbage?

Who would you be without thinking the crushing mean one is right?

Ahhhhhh.

Curious.

Wondering what’s going on, then?

I notice I’d be gentle with myself. Kind. I’d rock myself like a baby and say “there, there, sweetheart” and feel the anxiety, or fear, or sadness, or anger present. I’d know all is going to be OK in the end, without the belief I’m a loser.

I wouldn’t feel like the Worst Person in the World.

Turning the thoughts around: My thinking is losing, not getting over this, selfish, greedy, unconscious, unable to be wise and present, unenlightened, not spiritual, messy, and should give up.

Woah. True. Especially when it comes to eating, me, food, my body, and the moment I’ve got such a judgmental voice running through me, that attacks me with such aggression.

My thinking appears to believe in violence as a motivator. It appears to offer war, not peace.

Turning around the thoughts again: I am NOT a loser, I’m a winner, getting over this, selfless, not greedy enough, conscious, able to be wise and present, enlightened, spiritual, clear, and still here (not giving up).

Yes. I’m dedicated to the truth. I’m willing to look at my thoughts and question them. I’m determined to get this squared away and put it to rest in my life, whatever it takes.

I’m a winner in the sense that the whole of who I am–a peaceful loving person–is the strongest part of me, not the binge-eater. I’m conscious, and willing to see that this mean voice is a bully, and not a mature human being.

I’m conscious because I’m able to see what I did was off-balance, with food. I have the power–I wasn’t born missing something. I had my eyes open while I was eating. I was there the whole time. I can bring out the part of me that believes in peace instead of violence, and hold steady with that like a great tree. I can stick up for myself, and take care of my own needs.

All I know is….that voice really never succeeded in motivating me to either A) stop eating, lose weight permanently, find peace with food, or B) take myself completely out through suicide or insanity.

It’s only a voice–an energy pattern, a habit.

Would you believe someone else who spoke like that to you?

You don’t have to listen. It’s not true.

Much love,
Grace

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