Long ago, I was ranting and complaining about myself really viciously.
It wasn’t the usual kind of inner rant, as if I had a really mean, abusive voice yelling at me “Why did you eat that? What’s wrong with you? Really? You’ll NEVER get this right.”
This particular rant, I was actually sharing what I was thinking out loud.
I was in a 12 Step Meeting (I can’t remember which kind, I went to many). I felt full of despair, and it was definitely about food and eating and my body. I felt entirely disgusted with myself and the whole ongoing experience.
What I wanted most was to shut down my behavior, my mind. I did NOT appear to want to understand what was going on with a more open mind.
I knew what was right and what was wrong, and I was definitely wrong.What if I had been able to pause, and treat myself with loving compassion….and ask if what I was thinking was true?
How did I react when I believed I KNEW I was doing it wrong?
Full of despair, anger, self-attack, aggression, dictatorship.Who would I be without “my” opinion?
Someone shared something with me after my sobbing and complaining and agonizing about how awful I was.
It changed my life.
Not instantly and forever. I went into that mode of judgment to the self again, oh yes.
Many times.
But something was aware of the words the person shared with me, and how they were truer than what I was saying to myself.
What I see is, when I give up being furious with myself about my behavior or my appearance related to weight, I have a chance of understanding what’s happening in a bigger picture, and ending the torture.
Love allows all the “bad” things we do with food and eating, it seems, to dissolve.
Not violence and control.
“We grow to believe we need to be improved and are badgered into self-improvement programs. But none of that is true. We don’t need more criticism or badgering; we need a loving, supportive ‘coach’.” ~ Cheri Huber
Much love,Grace
P.S. Eating Peace Process, an in-depth program for those of us with eating concerns, will start again May 1st. Stay tuned for more about this program about self-inquiry, ending control vs wild abandon mentality, and using the way we eat to enlighten ourselves to what’s really true: love has the power.